Beyond the Storm
3 Mindset Shifts for Navigating Major Life Changes
We all know the feeling: one minute you’re floating leisurely along the coast, taking in the sights, admiring the sea-life below the surface. Then out of nowhere the sky darkens and the sea begins to shift. Waters that were once calm have turned into dangerously choppy waves that threaten to throw you off course or worse, sink your vessel. You look around and the coast is nowhere in sight. Panic starts to rise in your stomach, your heart pounds in your chest, and suddenly you find yourself lost at sea…in a storm no less.
Over a period of two years, I experienced just that. I went from being loved and chosen to being rejected, bearing the painful new title of “ex-wife” and having no idea how to carry on. I watched my mother’s heart break as she mourned the devastating loss of her father. After finally getting myself re-established in a new city that I loved, my first big “career” job fell through and I had to move back in with my parents at 28 years old. Needless to say, I felt like I was living in hurricane season.
“What is happening?! This was not the plan!”
No, it was not the plan at all. Not my plan, at least. But life has a funny way of diverting not only at unexpected times, but in unexpected, uncomfortable, and even scary directions. My mind was running one thousand miles an hour and in one thousand different directions trying to figure out how to navigate these life-altering events. I felt confused, blindsighted, and utterly panicked.
“How could this happen? What did I do wrong? Why can’t things go back to the way they were before? I will do anything to get my life back.”
I was so overwhelmed by these drastic life changes, that for a long time I acted like they weren’t happening. I was living in the country of Desperation in the capital city of Denial, and I exhausted myself avoiding the inevitable. I put up a great fight, but the endings that I worked so hard to avoid eventually knocked on my door, and I had no choice but to walk through and embrace them. Little did I know that these endings would lead me tenderly into the beginnings of a new season during which I would become a truer version of myself than I had ever been before.
“My dream has shattered. I couldn’t fix it. What do I do now?”
The thing about storms in life is that they change you. It’s up to you to decide whether they will change you for the better. The change can be intimidating; most of us approach change with resistance at first, and that’s okay. It’s important to identify and honor the feelings that come up for you when you begin to walk the unexpected path that you’ve been invited to travel down. Once you acknowledge those feelings, you give yourself the opportunity to shift your mindset and allow for healing. Slowly but surely, you will make your way onward. You may be surprised that the path you were terrified to take is the exact path that leads you to be who you were always meant to be.
Mindset Shift 1: From Who You Were to Who You Are Becoming
Many of our greatest heartaches threaten our sense of identity. Most of us correlate who we are with what we do, what we’re good at, the titles and statuses that come with accomplishments and milestones in life. Teacher, mother, winner, friend, boss, neighbor, mentor, wife. We build our lives upon these titles, and there’s nothing inherently wrong with that. The kicker is that major life changes can disrupt or even eliminate those building blocks of our identity, leaving us lost and confused, suddenly overwhelmed by the unfamiliarity we feel towards our own sense of self. Once you have grieved the loss of who you once were, you have the incredible opportunity to approach your new path with a sense of curiosity. You get to ask yourself who you really are and, even more exciting, who you want to be. Not what you want to do (that comes later), but who you really are at your core, without all the titles. You may be kind, impatient, funny, ambitious, creative, prone to procrastination, empathetic, bossy, generous, shy, outgoing…your identity is yours to discover! On this adventure of discovery, you get to make the rules and decide what fits, what you’ve outgrown, and ultimately who you want to be going forward. It’s rather thrilling, isn’t it? Every major life change offers the gift of this fresh start, and it’s up to you to decide if you will receive it.
Action Step 1: Make a list of five qualities you embody right now, and a list of five qualities you would like to embody going forward.
Action Step 2: Choose one activity that you used to love doing as a child and do it. This can help you reconnect to the most authentic version of yourself.
Mindset Shift 2: From Desperation to Peace
Oftentimes when you walk through a major life change, especially one that feels rather nightmare-ish, you may become a little too familiar with the feeling of desperation. You may have spent so much effort hoping for a certain outcome, or so much time waiting for the pain to subside, or so much money trying to fix what is irrevocably broken, that when it’s finally over, you may not know how to leave those patterns of thinking or behavior behind. I wonder though, if you may notice even a small part of you that feels a sense of relief. When the war that was waging has ended, even if you don’t get the result you want, the victory lies in the fact that you don’t have to fight anymore. You get to breathe. You get to rest. You get to take a shower, put on some clean clothes, and just exist again. You may not feel happy about your life changing, you may not feel excited to pursue this new, unfamiliar path, and that’s completely normal. I encourage you to be gentle with yourself as you settle in and take notice of the areas on this new path that no longer demand your attention and effort.
Action Step 1: Identify three things that you may not feel happy about from your major life change, but you do feel relieved or at peace.
“I’m not happy that I lost my job, but I was feeling miserable trying to preserve that client relationship and I’m relieved to be free from that.”
“I’m not happy that my marriage ended, but I was feeling exhausted trying to fix it and I’m at peace knowing that I tried my best.”
“I’m not happy that I had to move away from the city I love, but I am relieved that I no longer have to consider travel arrangements to see my new nieces or struggle with the feeling of missing out on their lives.”
Action Step 2: Choose one or two activities you enjoy that you haven’t had time for in the wake of your major life change. Maybe it’s baking, painting, visiting with a friend, going to the gym, traveling somewhere, journaling, praying, etc. Remind yourself that these activities are available on your new path.
Mindset Shift 3: From Survival Mode to Intentional Flourishing
Your body and mind are designed to preserve your life by deploying innate survival instincts. These are the ways of thinking and behaving that not only keep your physical body alive, but your spirit as well. These patterns serve an important purpose when we walk through the storms of life, but they are not ideal to carry along our new path. In fact, they may result in stunting further growth by setting us up to identify as victims longterm, to self-sabotage as a means of self-protection, and to avoid the action that is required when choosing to heal. I got very comfortable living in that survival headspace, and it took a long time to realize that staying there is the easy choice. My pain became an excuse that allowed me to remain stagnant and fueled the fear of dreaming again. One day I realized that in order to avoid more pain, my survival instincts had taken dreaming completely off the table. More importantly, I realized that I had the power to put it back. I knew I wanted to flourish, I just had to choose to believe that flourishing was possible, and start taking the necessary steps to get there. Make no mistake, there is no magical land of flourishing that you will wake up in one day. The flourishing happens gradually, day by day, sometimes in spurts that surprise you and sometimes in ways you may not even notice. The point is that along the way, you will start to look like you again.
Action Step 1: Stand in front of a mirror and look yourself in the eyes. Out loud, express your gratitude to the body, mind, and spirit that has gotten you this far. Acknowledge the pain you have experienced, list the things that you are proud of, and tell yourself that you are on your way to flourishing. Last, give yourself a hug. It may sound silly, but this is a powerful exercise that I used more than once throughout my journey. It allows you to honor your experience and lay a foundation of bravery as you press onward.
“Thank you for taking care of me this past year. I know it was so painful to watch your dreams crumble. I know you worked so hard to fix things. I’m proud of you for being so strong. I am proud of the way you maintained your integrity and honored your values. You are on your way to flourishing and joy is on the horizon. I love you.”
Consider your dream life. Where do you live? What are your hobbies? What style of clothes do you wear? What kind of people do you spend time with? Write it all down. Then, choose one step to take, no matter how small, that gets you closer to that dream life. Notice how you feel about accessing your ability to take action that propels you forward. Write that down too.
The storms we face in life never come at an ideal time or in an ideal way. They toss us around, beat us up a little bit, and sometimes cause us to forget who we are. But storms also offer us the opportunity to experience profound growth if we let them. Whether you are in the midst of a major life change or picking up the pieces on the other side, take heart! You are becoming who you were always meant to be. Your identity will become more clear, your ideas will become more elaborate, you will dream new dreams, perhaps even more spectacular than the ones you lost. You will become braver than ever before. You have already survived everything that you have been through thus far. The reality is that even though your life is changing, if you’re reading this, one thing is certain: you are not dead. You made it through! I’m so proud of you. I know it was not easy, but against all odds, you survived. I hope you’re proud of yourself, but even if you aren’t yet, I’m confident that you will be soon.
Which of these mindset shifts resonates most with you today? Share your thoughts in the comments below – I’d love to hear from you! If this post offered you a glimmer of hope, consider sharing it with someone in your life who might need it.
Click here to check out the partner podcast episode where I dive deeper on this topic!